Why is she bored even when I put the focus on her?
I kept asking her questions.
Open ended questions, at that.
I showed interest in her life, her hobbies, and her passions.
I didn’t make the conversation about me at all!
Rather, I didn’t talk even talk about myself.
It was all about her.
That is what I had to do right? Put her on the spotlight?
So why is she bored still?
Hmm…
Let’s see…
You bombarded her with questions, making her feel like this was some kind of freaking interrogation.
You kept asking about her life, hobbies...as if you were on a mission to get to know her? And to extract all information possible about her life, in one convo?
And you didn’t think she would find it uncomfortable, creepy, even?
Did you stop to think if she’s feeling uncomfortable sharing stuff about her life with you?
Or that maybe she was feeling overwhelmed by your machine gun esque questions?
Probably not.
And for that, I charge you on the following counts -
Lack of empathy
Lack of social awareness
Misapplication of the concept - “Put them on the spotlight”
Let’s take it apart one by one, shall we?
Lack of empathy
As I, and many others have often said - “Empathy is a skill.”
What is this skill about?
In a nutshell?
Your ability to view the world from someone else’s eyes.
Now you didn’t even stop to consider how uncomfortable she must have been, being put at the spot like that, and forced to answer questions which, in all likelihood, were random shots at trying to get to know her.
Do you feel very comfortable at Vivas or Interviews?
If you’re a normal person, probably not.
No one does.
So why should she, then?
And maybe you would like it if someone asked you questions about yourself, because you know, people generally don’t.
But even then, this isn’t about you.
Empathy, isn’t about how you feel. It’s about putting yourself in their shoes, and ask how do they feel?
So, do remember that.
Lack of social awareness
Look man,
People make mistakes.
Maybe you thought she would like it if you made the conversation about her.
But believe me, she told you to stop.
Not verbally perhaps, not in words.
But definitely through her body language and expressions.
Were her eyes locked into yours when you were talking?
Or was she looking around a lot?
Did you sense excitement in her tone when she was answering your questions?
Or was she bored? (Also very noticeable just by the tonality).
When she was smiling, was it with her eyes, or just the lips?
Was she asking questions about you?
Did it feel like she was speaking bare minimum words to not sound rude, but definitely not trying to keep the conversation going?
These are some things to look out for.
These are some hints to understand if she’s into it or not.
You need to keep an eye out for these things always.
And by the way..
If she’s not into it?
You’re much better off ending the conversation than dragging it for the sake of it.
Nothing good comes out of that, ever.
I’ll delve deeper into how to have interesting conversations, and how to keep them from dying in a later email. (Hint: sometimes you can’t)
So keep an eye out for that.
Misapplication of “Put them on the spotlight”
My guy,
You would want to put her on the spotlight, yes…
But that doesn’t mean keep showering her with questions.
Rather, about letting her shine.
It’s about keeping the conversation relevant to her interests.
It’s about not babbling about your own life or what you find interesting, or showing off your intelligence or your success stories (nobody cares)
Don’t do or say shit that bores her. Or offends her, or dismisses her opinions.
The playboy gurus would not agree with me here, and I couldn’t care less.
It works for me, and it will work for you.
Right, that’s about it for this email. See you next time!